Script
Audition Central: Roald Dahl's Willy Wonka JR.
Script: Grandpa Joe
SIDE 1
GRANDPA JOE
Do you mean people are actually going to be allowed inside the factory?
MRS. BUCKET
Read what it says!
MR. BUCKET
"Mr. Willy Wonka has decided to allow five children to visit his factory. The lucky five will tour the factory and receive a lifetime supply of Wonka chocolate."
GRANDPA JOE
Tour the factory?
CHARLIE
A lifetime supply of chocolate?
ALL (EXCEPT CHARLIE)
Read on!
MR. BUCKET
"Five Golden Tickets have been hidden among five million ordinary candy bars. The finders of these Golden Tickets will win the tour and the chocolate!"
GRANDPA GEORGE
That's a million to one shot!
MRS. BUCKET
The tickets could be anywhere. How exciting! I wonder if any of 'em have been found yet. That paper's a day old.
GRANDPA JOE
Charlie, Charlie, can you imagine winning?
GRANDMA GEORGINA
Touring the factory-
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA
Meeting Mr. Wonka-
GRANDPA JOE
Seeing for yourself all those undead, zombie workers-
CHARLIE
Eating a lifetime supply of chocolate...
ALL
Eating a lifetime supply of chocolate!
END
SIDE 2
AUGUSTUS
Here's my Golden Ticket, Mr. Wonka. Ah, ah, choo!
MRS. GLOOP
He has a cold.
VERUCA
(rudely interrupting)
My name is Veruca Salt.
WONKA
I always thought a veruca was a wart, but you don't look like a wart at all... more of a mole, or perhaps a bunion-
MR. SALT
How ya' doing, Wonka. Salt's the name and I'm nuts! Nuts for nuts that is! An operation like this must go through a million nuts...
WONKA
Make that a million and one - your ticket?
VERUCA
Here's your silly ticket. Can I have it back after the tour?
WONKA
(tearing up the Golden Ticket)
Of course you can, my dear. Of course.
(beat)
Violet Beauregarde!
VIOLET
I hear ya'. Here's our ticket.
(VIOLET snaps her gum.)
WONKA
There is no gum chewing allowed on the tour.
VIOLET
But you make gum.
MRS. BEAUREGARDE
Mr. Wonka asked you to remove your gum. Do we need to negotiate?
VIOLET
Psycho babble whatever.
(VIOLET places the gum behind her ear.)
WONKA
Mike Teavee?
(beat)
Mr. Mike Teavee and guest?
MIKE
Hold your pantyhose, a commercial's coming up.
MS. TEAVEE
Here's our ticket, Mr. Wonka.
WONKA
Scrumptious. Oh, and Mike, there's no television reception in the factory.
MIKE
None?
WONKA
None whatsoever...
(laughing maniacally)
Chuck Bucket?
GRANDPA JOE
It's Charlie, Mr. Wonka. Charlie Bucket. Here's our ticket.
WONKA
(to CHARLIE)
So you're Charlie Bucket? Odd coincidence you finding your ticket just in time...
GRANDPA JOE
Now see here, Wonka, if you're saying our ticket is a phony-
WONKA
Pleasure to meet you, too, Mr.-
GRANDPA JOE
You know me, Wonka.
WONKA
Do I? Well then! Let's proceed. We start with a contract.
(A giant contract drops from above.)
Raise your right hand... "I hereby swear not to touch, malign, assign, clutch, share, tear, or wear, none such, party of the first part, and so on..." Please sign below.
MR. SALT
Not without my lawyer! Let me give him a ring.
END
SIDE 3
WONKA
All of my workers are Oompa-Loompas from Loompaland.
MRS. BEAUREGARDE
Now see here Wonka, I teach geography and-
WONKA
Then you know all about Loompaland - with its thick jungles infested by hornswogglers and snozzywangers, and those terrible wicked whangdoodles!
(AUGUSTUS sneaks a larger taste of the chocolate.)
VERUCA
Whangdoodles? There's no such thing!
WONKA
There certainly are, my dear - and a whangdoodle would just love to sink its sharp, vicious fangs into you!
(Overwhelmed, AUGUSTUS kneels next to the Chocolatefall, slurping recklessly.)
Augustus, my chocolate must never be touched by human hands!
AUGUSTUS
Too late!
( TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE begins. AUGUSTUS slurps, wildly.)
GRANDPA JOE
Great, he's gonna give his cold to millions of people!
(VIOLET defiantly blows a bubble behind WONKA's back.)
AUGUSTUS
It's so good! I think I've had too much chocolate. Ah... Ah... Ah... choo!!!
(AUGUSTUS falls into the smelting pot, head first. His legs kick once, then twice, then he freezes à la Magic Shell.)
GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS
Augustus! Augustus!
MIKE
The chocolate's frozen, like Magic Shell!
VIOLET
He looks like an Easter Bunny!
(An OOMPA-LOOMPA enters.)
WONKA
We've had an early revelation and lost a child in the chocolate smelter. It's a shame! - the boy really seemed to know about food. Alas, take Mrs. Gloop's Poop to the strawberry dipping room and heat him to precisely 102 degrees Fahrenheit... or is that Celsius?... no, Fahrenheit? Yes... 102 degrees Fahrenheit! - but no higher - or he may spontaneously boil - and that would be a tragedy.
MRS. GLOOP
Because Augustus vould be damaged?
WONKA
My dear, Augustus was damaged long ago - the tragedy would be the wasted chocolate! Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop, and good luck.
(WONKA gestures, and Augustus's Golden Ticket dims.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, please follow closely as we continue our tour...
END
SIDE 4
WONKA
Well then, thank you both very much. I'm sure you can find your way out-
GRANDPA JOE
That's it? What about Charlie's lifetime supply of chocolate?
WONKA
Yes, yes. A lifetime supply of chocolate... each of the children will receive their chocolate. Other than that, the day has been a total waste of time and chocolate. Good day, Charlie Bucket, and goodbye.
CHARLIE
Um... Goodbye, Mr. Wonka.
(WONKA begins to close the gates of the factory.)
Mr. Wonka, I don't deserve a lifetime supply of chocolate - you see, I tasted the Fizzy Lifting Drink and broke the rules. And I'm very sorry. Thank you for the wonderful day and tour. It was better than Christmas.
(CHARLIE starts to exit.)
WONKA
Bless you Charlie, you did it! You did it!!!
GRANDPA JOE
Now see here Wonka, it was my idea to try the-
WONKA
I created this contest with one purpose in mind. To find the perfect person to make new candy dreams come true.
CHARLIE
I don't understand...
WONKA
This was a test of character, Charlie. I carefully selected rooms that would tempt each of our Golden Ticket winners. You, Charlie, did something quite remarkable. You gave in to temptation, you were smart enough not to get caught and yet - you admitted your guilt.
END