Script

SIDE 1

SIMPSON

Kids, it’s a smash! Lina, you were gorgeous.

COSMO

Yeah, Lina. You looked pretty good for a girl.

(LINA is absolutely furious and turns on them. We hear her voice for the first time. It is high-pitched, nasal, and anything but attractive.)

LINA

F’heavens sake, what’s the idea? Singin’ a song at my opening? And can’t a girl get a word in edgewise? They’re my public too.

SIMPSON

Lina, the publicity department decided it’d be better if Don made all the speeches for the team.

LINA

Why?

COSMO

Let’s just say with a voice like yours, it’s a good thing movies are silent.

LINA

What’s wrong with my voice?

ROZ

Lina, you’re a beautiful woman, and the audience thinks you’ve got a voice to match.

LINA

What’s wrong with the way I talk? What’sa big idea – am I dumb or somethin’? 

SIDE 2

COSMO

(to DON)

Well... convincing?

DON

Enchanting. Why?

COSMO

Don’t you get it? Use Kathy’s voice. Lina just moves her mouth and Kathy’s voice comes out, singing and talking for her.

KATHY

That’s wonderful.


DON

No – no. I couldn’t let you do it, Kathy.

KATHY

Why not?

DON

Because you wouldn’t be seen. You’d be throwing away your own career.

KATHY

It has nothing to do with my career. It’s only for one picture. The important thing now is to save The Dueling Cavalier, save Lockwood and Lamont.

COSMO

Yeah.

DON

Well, if it’s only for this one picture. Do you think it’ll get by?

KATHY

Of course it will.

COSMO

Sure. And it’s simple to work the numbers. All you gotta do is dance around Lina and teach her how to bow.

DON

All right. We’ll go to R.F. and spring it on him in the morning.

COSMO

Well, it’s three AM, in the morning... Almost my bedtime... I best be going.

SIDE 3

STAGEHAND #1

All right guys, put that stuff over there. Get those lights wired and set.

COSMO

Come on now, Don. Snap out of it! You can’t let a little thing like this get you down. Why you’re Don Lockwood, aren’t you? And Don Lockwood’s an actor, isn’t he?

(COSMO moves to the piano.)

Well, what’s the first thing an actor learns? Hey guys, what’s the first thing an actor learns?

STAGEHAND #2

The show must go on.

COSMO

Exactly! Come rain, come shine, come sleet, come snow, the show must go on. Right?

STAGEHANDS

Right!