Script

Audition Central: Disney's Peter Pan JR.

Script: Captain Hook

SIDE 1

SMEE
Good morning mates!
(Hook s right-hand man SMEE enters. He is a simple, low-class fellow with a cockney accent and a funny, pronounced lisp  his  s sounds like  th. He is at heart a good soul& and yet Captain Hook is his hero.)

SCOTTISH JUKES
And what s good about it, Mr. Smee?

COCKNEY FLINT
Here we are collecting barnacles on this miserable island.

MEAN MURPHY
We ought to be looting ships!

SIMPLEMINDED NOODLER
I ve almost forgotten how to slit a throat!

CLUBFOOT COOKSON
(under his breath)
I m supposed to meet Jack Sparrow and go marauding

SMEE
Pish posh! Make the ship shine or it s the lash for lollygagging!
(SMEE hands out mops and rags to get the begrudging PIRATES to clean up. CAPTAIN HOOK enters. He is a deliciously English villain, half tyrant, half common criminal, and three-quarters Shakespearean ham. The PIRATES, genuinely afraid of HOOK, start cleaning the ship and leave SMEE alone. HOOK seems in pain  terrible, psychic pain.)

HOOK
Oh, Smee! What a rogue and peasant Hook am I! Here I sit, stuck in Never Land, plotting revenge on that diabolic Peter Pan!
(raising his hook)
Curse you, Pan!!!

SMEE
Feeling poetic, Cap n?

HOOK
Oh, if I could only find his secret lair, I d capture him and plunge me cutlass deep into his sickly sweet heart. But enough! This must be finished! Smee  bring me my map!

SIDE 2

HOOK
Ay, but what light through yonder window breaks?!

SMEE
Feeling poetic, Cap n?

HOOK
No, that light over there: it s Peter Pan s fairy, Tinker Bell! But why is she crying?
(like a chatty gossip)

SMEE
Well, I wouldn t want this to go any further, but the cook told me that the first mate told him... that Pan has banished Tinker Bell!

HOOK
You should have told me at once! That gives me a plan!
(HOOK whispers plan in SMEE s ear.)

SMEE
But how will you get her to talk?

HOOK
I speak Pixie.
(HOOK and SMEE approach TINKER BELL. He takes keys out of his coat. TINKER BELL sees him and jingles a sullen hello. HOOK jingles back. She jingles back.)

SMEE
(whispers)
What s she saying?

HOOK
She s saying she s very depressed, poor thing.
(HOOK jingles some more.)

TINKER BELL
(to audience)
He does not speak pixie, by the way. Just now he said,  The turnip is taking a siesta!
(HOOK jingles once more. TINKER BELL wrinkles her nose to try to understand, when SMEE pulls her bells off and puts them into a jar  thus kidnapping her.)
Oh NOOOO! Let me go!

SIDE 3

HOOK
Oh, would that I could set you free. But, ay, here s the rub: you know where that scurvy brat Pan lives and I do not! Tell me  or die!

PETER
(behind the rock)
You dog!

WENDY
Shhh!

HOOK
Am I not a man of me word, Smee?

SMEE
Yes. A
(crosses his fingers behind his back)
Always, Captain. Come on, Tiger Lily. Or soon it ll be Davy Jones s Locker for you!

HOOK
And remember your sacred beliefs: there is no path through water to the happy hunting ground! Speak!
(TIGER LILY rolls her eyes at HOOK.)

WENDY
Now, Peter!

PETER
(an impersonation of Captain Hook)
Odds, bobs, hammer and tongs. Oh, what a rogue and peasant Hook am I!
(SMEE and HOOK scream!)

HOOK
Who are you, stranger?

PETER
I am James Hook, Captain of the Jolly Roger!

HOOK
(terrified)
But if you are Hook, then who am I?

PETER
A codfish!