Audition Central: Doctor Dolittle JR.

Script: Doctor John Dolittle

SIDE 1

DOLITTLE

Polynesia
 

BELLOWES

You studied in Polynesia?
 

DOLITTLE

No, I studied with Polynesia. She s my parrot.
 

BELLOWES

Dolittle, what kind of fool do you take me for?
 

DOLITTLE

I really don t know you well enough to judge, sir. With all due respect, Your Worship, I would appreciate an opportunity to prove my point by talking to any animal you care to nominate&
 

BELLOWES

Very well. My dog Rufus is outside. Bailiff, bring in Rufus!
 

BAILIFF

Call Rufus Bellowes.

(BELLOWES large dog RUFUS enters. DOLITTLE barks at him and shakes his left leg. RUFUS barks back. Dog dialogue ensues. The BAILIFF, uncertainly, approaches RUFUS with a bible.)
 

BAILIFF

Raise your right paw.
 

BELLOWES

Er& I think we can dispense with that formality.
(The BAILIFF returns to his place.)
Ask him what I had for dinner last night.
 

DOLITTLE

Very Wellbr>(DOLITTLE barks at RUFUS and RUFUS barks back.)
Did he?... Did he?... Did he?(bark)
Really? That much, eh?
 

BELLOWES

What did he say?
 

DOLITTLE

DOLITTLEI m grateful that Your Lordship acknowledges the fact that the dog was talking!

(The CROWD laughs and applauds.)


 

SIDE 2

(POLYNESIA the parrot stands on Dolittle s desk, watching as MADELINE ushers in GENERAL BELLOWES, a ferocious-looking man not used to being kept waiting. He bursts unceremoniously into the room, leaning heavily on a walking-stick, and hobbling on a heavily bandaged foot.)

DOLITTLE

Won t you please come in, General Bellowes? What seems to be the problem?

BELLOWES

These pills you gave me last week. They ve done absolutely nothing to cure my gout!

(BELLOWES lobs the bottle of pills into the air. To catch them, DOLITTLE drops the heavy book he is holding. It lands on BELLOWES bandaged foot. He roars with pain, and staggers back, falling into a large armchair. He screams in a renewed agony, leaping back up on to his feet and clutching his rear.)

BELLOWES

Aaah! What was that?!

DOLITTLE

(calmly)
Oh, don t worry! You just sat on Herbert.

BELLOWES

Who the devil is Herbert?

DOLITTLE

He s a hedgehog!

BELLOWES

What s a hedgehog doing in a doctor s office?

DOLITTLE

He s recuperating.

BELLOWES

Recuperating? A hedgehog? From what?

DOLITTLE

He had a narrow escape from the hounds of The Puddleby Fox Hunt, of which I believe you are Master. He s also recovering from being sat on.

BELLOWES

Never mind that. What about my gout? And those useless pills?

DOLITTLE

Well, let s see now.
(looks at the pills)
Ah, no wonder! These are Jip s distemper pills. I wondered what had happened to them.

BELLOWES

Jip?

DOLITTLE

My dog. This explains why he s not feeling any better, either!  I ve been treating him for gout! Here, Jip!
(JIP trots gratefully over to DOLITTLE, who pops a pill into his mouth. JIP barks in gratitude. DOLITTLE takes a second bottle of pills from his desk and offers them to BELLOWES.)
Here, we d better swap. Sorry about that.

BELLOWES

(furious)
I think you d better make up your mind, sir, whether you re running a medical practice or an animal sanctuary! Goodday, sir!

(BELLOWES staggers out of the room. DOLITTLE shakes his head in despair.))

SIDE 3

DOLITTLE

They are only available for a four-week guest engagement.
 

BLOSSOM

Done!
 

DOLITTLE

Share all profits equally.
 

BLOSSOM

Er...
(GERTIE nudges him.)
Done!
 

DOLITTLE

Two performances a day.
 

GERTIE

Nein!! Four performances a day!
 

DOLITTLE

Wait.
(Both LLAMAS shake their heads.)
We have a problem
 

BLOSSOM

Well, what do they want?
 

DOLITTLE

Three shows a day.
(GERTIE whispers to BLOSSOM.)
 

BLOSSOM

And four on Saturday?
(Both HEADS nod.)
 

DOLITTLE

They agree!


 

SIDE 4

DAB-DAB

Quack, quack.
 

DOLITTLE

... it seems he d had a row with his wife, wasn t looking where he was going, and flew straight into the mast of some fishing boat.
 

TOMMY

You mean he told you all that?
 

DOLITTLE

Yes...
(administrating to DAB-DAB))
Quack, quack, quack! There we are.
 

DAB-DAB

Quack, quack, quack.
 

DOLITTLE

You ll be all right by the morning.
 

DAB-DAB

Quack, quack, quack.
 

DOLITTLE

(to DAB-DAB)
Absolutely, I ll get word to your wife.

SIDE 5

DOLITTLE

Mind you, Jip seemed perfectly happy with the gout pills. You see, that s the difference between animals and people, Maddie. Animals don t complain!
 

MADELINE

The truth is, Doctor, you prefer animals to people!
 

DOLITTLE

Animals are so much nicer than people! I care about animals! That s probably why I m such a terrible people doctor!

(POLYNESIA speaks for the first time.)
 

POLYNESIA

Then you should be an animal doctor.
 

DOLITTLE

(thoughtfully)
An animal doctor?

POLYNESIA

Why not? I could bring you hundreds of patients. Mildred was saying just the other day that there isn t a decent animal doctor for miles around!

DOLITTLE

Who s Mildred?

POLYNESIA

Farmer Green s cow.

MADELINE

You mean you spoke to her? Animals can actually talk to one another?

POLYNESIA

Well, of course we can! Do you think we re all dumb?

MADELINE

I  uh  uh  no!! No. I knew that parrots could talk, of course&

POLYNESIA

Parrots are the finest linguists in the animal kingdom. I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn.

MADELINE

Unicorn?

POLYNESIA

I had a classical education.

SIDE 6

STRAIGHT ARROW

The same.
(STRAIGHT ARROW smiles and extends his hand. He and DOLITTLE embrace and shake hands.)
Welcome to Popsipetel! This is the capital of Sea Star Island!
 

DOLITTLE

Capital, indeed!
(to EMMA)
You see? I told you it was civilized!
 

STRAIGHT ARROW

(greeting them)
Please forgive that unfortunate welcome! Customs and Immigration thought you were invading us! But happily, you re just in time for tea!
(Two WARRIORS carry in a giant tea tray.)
Earl Grey, cucumber sandwiches and Dundee cake. Tuck in, Tommy.

(TOMMY and MADELINE dive into the sandwiches, EMMA pours the tea, and DOLITTLE and STRAIGHT ARROW resume their conversation.)

DOLITTLE

(indicating the tea)
Seeing all this, I  er  take it you have  er  visited England.

STRAIGHT ARROW

Ten years. Harrow and Oxford. That s how I got my nickname.

DOLITTLE

Nickname?

STRAIGHT ARROW

Straight Arrow. When I was ten, my father wanted me to go straight to Harrow, so that s what they called me.  Straight to Harrow.

DOLITTLE

(amused)
Good Lord! I wish I d known! We could have avoided all those years of picture writing! This is a truly remarkable place!

STRAIGHT ARROW

I pride myself that Sea Star Island is the world s most perfect animal sanctuary!