SIDE 1

CURTIS

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

DELORIS

Thanks for letting me audition, Curtis. What do you think?

CURTIS

Baby, you look good, you move good, you sound good.

DELORIS

So can I sing in your club?

CURTIS

No.

DELORIS

But Curtis, you promised me!

CURTIS

I promised you I'd think about it.

DELORIS

But I'm ready.

CURTIS

What do you think boys?

END

 

SIDE 2

DELORIS

It's Deloris Van Cartier now. As in Cartier's.

(beat)

I do know you - high school!

EDDIE

Yeah, that was me.

DELORIS

You had a crush on me.

EDDIE

Yeah, that was me.

DELORIS

I'd come around and you'd get so nervous you'd start to sweat.

EDDIE

No, that wasn't me.

DELORIS

I called you Sweaty Eddie!

EDDIE

Look I'd appreciate it if you didn't...

(The COP stands up.)

COP

I'll go check on Ernie, Sweaty Eddie.

(The COP exits, laughing.)

EDDIE

Look Doris.

DELORIS

Deloris.

EDDIE

Curtis Jackson needs to be put away. We've been working on
this case for over a year. If you saw Ernie get killed, you need
protection. We need to hide you.

END

 

SIDE 3

DELORIS

Is it time to pray again? What are we praying for this time?

MARY PATRICK

Oh, Mary Clarence. We're so anxious about performing for the pope.

MARY STEPHEN

I'm in a state.

MARY ROBERT

I can hardly breathe!

MARY THERESA

I can't sleep!

MARY PATRICK

Everyone is so excited for us.

MARY ROBERT

The only thing left to calm our nerves is to have a blessing.

DELORIS

(turning back over)

Good idea.

MARY ROBERT

Mary Clarence? Would you lead us?

DELORIS

What?

NUNS

Please.

DELORIS

Okay.

END

 

SIDE 4

DELORIS

I know what it's got to be. It's a white fox fur. I just know it. Like Donna Summer wore when she played Philly.

MICHELLE

Open it!

(DELORIS opens the box; the fur is blue.)

TINA

Oh my, somebody shot a Smurf.

ELLE

(to TINA)

Girl, it's dyed.

TINA

I hope it died, 'cause she's gonna put it 'round her neck.

(TINA and ELLE laugh.)

DELORIS

Hey, don't laugh at Curtis... it's the thought that counts, right.

MICHELLE

Where's it from?

NINA

What's it say?

DELORIS

(looks at the tag; she is devastated)

Cynthia.

TINA

Oooh, Cynthia, is that the shop on Market?

ELLE

No, Cynthia is the ex-wife on Rittenhouse Square.

END

 

SIDE 5

MARY LAZARUS

I see what's going on here. Mother Superior sent in a ringer. She's been trying to get back at me ever since that folk mass fiasco back in '67.

MARY PATRICK

Mary Lazarus, you're terrific, but we could really use some help.

NUNS

(ad-libbed)

We really do. Yes, please let her help. It's true. (etc.)

DELORIS

(to MARY LAZARUS)

Look I don't want to take your job, but you know I could help you out. You're not afraid of hard work, are you?

MARY LAZARUS

I'm a nun. My life's been like the stations of the cross. But without the laughs.

DELORIS

Aw look, you made a little joke.

(Off DELORIS's look, the NUNS unenthusiastically chuckle.)

MARY LAZARUS

(handing DELORIS the baton)

Well, good luck.

END

 

SIDE 6

MARY ROBERT

Deloris?

DELORIS

Oh you scared me.

MARY ROBERT

Tomorrow is the biggest day of our lives. How can you leave us now?

DELORIS

Baby, I gotta think about my own life.

MARY ROBERT

Then I want to go with you.

DELORIS

What?

MARY ROBERT

I want to go with you. The others- They all know that this is where they belong. They've all received their calling. But maybe this life isn't for me.

END

 

SIDE 7

MOTHER SUPERIOR, DELORIS

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy-

DELORIS

Smokes.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Ghost.

DELORIS

Ghost? Ghost.

MOTHER SUPERIOR, DELORIS

Our Father who art in heaven-

DELORIS

Howard be thy name.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Hallowed-

DELORIS

-hallowed be thy name.

MOTHER SUPERIOR, DELORIS

Thy kingdom-

DELORIS

For a horse. And yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food, I shall fear no hunger. We want you to give us this day our daily bread, and to the Republic for which it stands and by the power invested in me I pronounce us ready to eat at last, eat at last, thank God almighty we can eat at last.

(Beat.)

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Amen.

END