Audition Central: The Music Man KIDS
Script: Winthrop Paroo
SIDE 1
MRS. PAROO
Well, Winthrop, Amaryllis asked you to her party. Are you goin’ or aren’t you?
WINTHROP
No, thank you.
MRS. PAROO
You know the little girl’s name.
WINTHROP
No thank you, Amaryllith.
(AMARYLLIS giggles. WINTHROP bolts out of the room.)
AMARYLLIS
Why does he get so mad at people – just because he lisps.
MARIAN
It’s just that he never talks very much.
AMARYLLIS
Not even to you and your mother?
MARIAN
No dear. We all have to be a little patient.
AMARYLLIS
I’m patient. Even though he doesn’t ever talk to me – but I do to him – every night – I say goodnight to him on the evening star. You have to do it the very second you see it, too, or it doesn’t count. “Goodnight, my Winthrop, goodnight. Sleep tight.”
MARIAN
There, darling, you have lots of time. If not Winthrop, there’ll be someone else.
AMARYLLIS
Never! I’ll end up an old maid like you.
(AMARYLLIS puts her hands over her mouth, catching herself too late.)
MARIAN
For the time being just say goodnight my – someone. You can put the name in when the right someone comes along.
AMARYLLIS
All right. It’s better than nothing.
SIDE 2
HAROLD
Gary, Indiana. In fact, Gary Conservatory was my alma mater. Gold Medal Class of ’05. Hello, Miss Paroo.
MARIAN
(entering the stage)
Mr. Hill. Do you burst in on everyone’s home like this?
MRS. PAROO
Marian!
MARIAN
We’re not interested.
MRS. PAROO
Professor, I do hope you’ll excuse Marian. She’s not really—
HAROLD
Please. I’m sure that at heart she’s as lovely as yourself. Good day to you, Mrs. Paroo.
(HAROLD exits.)
MRS. PAROO
Good day to you, Professor.
(After HAROLD exits, MRS. PAROO turns to MARIAN.)
Marian Paroo! Darlin’, don’t you ever think of your future? Gary Indiana Conservatory Class of ’05 – now darlin’—
MARIAN
Now mama, the fact that he claims his commodity is music does not impress me. Winthrop!
(WINTHROP enters.)
Please go to the library and ask Miss Grub to give you the book I set aside. It is the Indiana State Educational Journal 1890 – 1910.
WINTHROP
Do I hafta?
MARIAN
You won’t have to talk to anyone. I’ve written it all down.
(MARIAN hands him a note. WINTHROP exits. MARIAN turns to her mother.)
I have a feeling the Indiana Journal may help me poke some large holes in the Professor’s claims.
SIDE 3
HAROLD
Mrs. Paroo, do you realize you have the facial characteristics of a cornet virtuoso?
MRS. PAROO
I don’t know if I understand you entirely, Professor.
HAROLD
If your boy has the same firm chin and those splendid cheek muscles – By George! Not that he could ever by really great, you understand, but –
MRS. PAROO
Oh, is that so. And why not?
HAROLD
Well – you see all the really great cornet players were Irish –
MRS. PAROO
But Professor, we are Irish!
HAROLD
No! No! Really! That clinches it! Sign here, Mrs. Paroo. Your boy was born to play the cornet.
(HAROLD hands her a paper to sign, which she does. HAROLD smiles at WINTHROP who hides behind MRS. PAROO playing a bit of hide and seek.)
That will be seven dollars earnest money. Nothing more due until the first installment payable at opening of band practice.
(MRS. PAROO locates money from her person.)
Oh, thank you. And of course, I’ll need the boy’s measurements for his band uniform.
MRS. PAROO
His uniform!
HAROLD
Hello, son.
WINTHROP
(drawing an imaginary line down the outside of his leg)
Would it have – a – a – ?
HAROLD
A stripe? Certainly, my boy, a wide red stripe on each side.
(WINTHROP smiles really big, then suddenly runs off.)
MRS. PAROO
You’ll have to excuse Winthrop, Professor. We can’t get him to say three words a day even to us. So if you get him to play in the band it will be a miracle. Where are you from, Professor?
SIDE 4
HAROLD
Hey, wait a minute here, son.
WINTHROP
I’m not your thon! Leave go me!
HAROLD
Not until I talk to you for a minute.
WINTHROP
You wouldn’t tell the truth anyway.
HAROLD
I would too.
WINTHROP
Can you lead a band?
HAROLD
No.
WINTHROP
Are you a big liar?
HAROLD
Yes.
WINTHROP
Are you a dirty rotten crook?
HAROLD
Yes.
(MARIAN enters.)
WINTHROP
I wish you’d never come to River Thity.