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Script
Audition Central: Shrek The Musical JR.
Script: Big Bad Wolf
SIDE 1
(GUARDS lead on a group of FAIRY TALE CREATURES)
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS
Right this way. Don t mind the mud. You ll get used to it.
PINOCCHIO
This place is a dump!
WOLF
It s not fit for a pig!
PIG #3
(German accent)
Hello!
PIG #2
(German accent)
Vee can hear you!
PIG #1
(German accent)
Vee are standing right here!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS
Look, you all read Lord Farquaad s decree.
PINOCCHIO
Yeah, yeah, we read it. All fairy tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks are hereby evicted.
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS
Alright, when I call your name, step forward.
SIDE 2
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp?
PINOCCHIO
Well gosh, we were forced to come here.
SHREK
Forced? By who?
PIG #2
Lord Farquaad! He hoofed und he poofed, und he signed an eveection notice.
SHREK
Huh. Well, not my problem. Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from.
MAMA BEAR
Go back?! We can t go back!
PIG #1
Farquaad vill turn us into bratvurst!
BIG BAD WOLF
The guy s bad news.
PIG #3
Hey, maybe you could talk to him.
BABY BEAR
Yeah, he ll listen to you! You re big and scary.
SHREK
I m also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven t you read the stories?
BIG BAD WOLF
You mean those stories that say I m a big bad wolf?
WICKED WITCH
And the ones that say I m a wicked witch?
(All the FAIRY TALE CREATURES laugh uproariously.)
PINOCCHIO
Or the ones that say I m a wooden boy!
(uncomfortable silence)
What? I m not a wooden boy.
(His nose grows bwoooop.)
I have a glandular condition.
WICKED WITCH
Look here, ogre, I m gonna spell it out for ya. You re the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flim-flammer Farquaad.
SHREK
Okay, fine, I get it! Attention all... fairy tale things! I m gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!