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Script
Audition Central: Elf The Musical JR.
Script: Buddy
SIDE 1
CHARLIE
How you doing, Buddy?
BUDDY
Um, fine Charlie, but... I guess I m gonna be a little short on today s quota.
CHARLIE
That s all right, Buddy. Just tell me, how many Etch A Sketches® did you get finished?
BUDDY
I made, uh, eighty-five!
CHARLIE
Eighty-five? It s ten a.m. and you ve only made eighty-five?
BUDDY
Why don t you just say it? I m the worst toy maker in the whole wide world. I m a Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins.
CHARLIE
You re not a Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins. You have lots of talents, uh, special talents in fact, like, uh...
ELF #1
You re the best basketball player in the whole North Pole!
ELF #2
Even better than Santa!
ELF #3
And you re the only baritone in the Jinglesingers!
ELF #4
You bring us down a whole octave.
ELF #5
In a good way!
CHARLIE
See, Buddy? Hey, these elves are getting pretty thirsty. Would you mind doing a round with the cocoa cart?
BUDDY
Yay! Cocoa cart! Cocoa cart!
(BUDDY leaves. CHARLIE motions to SHAWANDA to join him.)
CHARLIE
Hey, Shawanda.
SHAWANDA
Yeah, Charlie?
CHARLIE
I hate to do this to you, but do you think you could pick up the slack with those Etch A Sketches®?
(BUDDY returns. He listens, unnoticed.)
SHAWANDA
No problem.
CHARLIE
I appreciate it. I feel bad for the big guy. I just hope he doesn t get wise.
SHAWANDA
Well, if he hasn t figured out by now that he s a human I don t think he ever will.
BUDDY
Human?!? I m human?
(Beat.)
CHARLIE
(desperately whispering to ELF #1)
Get Santa!
(ELF #1 runs off to get SANTA.)
BUDDY
You said I m human!
CHARLIE
No. No.
SHAWANDA
No, not you Buddy. We we re talking about some other Buddy. Some Buddy... else.
BUDDY
No you weren t!
SIDE 2
BUDDY
Santa? Is it true what they said? Am I human?
SANTA
Good question.
(SANTA walks over to BUDDY.)
Once upon a time there was this young woman, Susan Welles, she had a baby, but she passed away soon after he was born. That baby was put in an orphanage, and one Christmas night he crawled into my toy sack, and I brought him back here by mistake. The elves took him in, raised him as one of their own.
BUDDY
Really? Where is he? Is it Charlie?
SANTA
Buddy, it s you! It s your story!
BUDDY
I m not an elf; I m a human. And I m an orphan. Just like Annie.
SANTA
Not exactly. You have a human father, but he never knew that you were born. He lives in a faraway land called New York City.
(SANTA takes out a New York City snow globe and hands it to BUDDY.)
And he works
(pointing to the globe)
Right there, in the Empire State Building.
(BUDDY tries to give the snow globe back, but SANTA stops him.)
SANTA
Keep it. It s a gift from me.
BUDDY
Thank you, Santa. What s my dad like?
SANTA
He s an executive. He publishes children s books.
BUDDY
Oh!
SANTA
But I should tell you, he, uh... well, he s on the Naughty List.
BUDDY
No! What did he do? Did he wet the bed?
SANTA
No, he just doesn t believe in me anymore. He s lost the Christmas spirit.
BUDDY
But Christmas spirit is what makes your sleigh fly!
SANTA
I know. Buddy, it s time you went there to meet him.
BUDDY
Okay. Which direction is New York?
SANTA
It s south. We re at the North Pole, Buddy; everything is south.
(BUDDY starts to leave.)
BUDDY
Oh, hey, what s my dad s name?
SANTA
Hobbs. Walter Hobbs.
BUDDY
Hobbs? Then I must be Buddy Hobbs!
(uncertain)
Yay!
SIDE 3
FAKE SANTA
(in a heavy New York accent)
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
(The first MOTHER in line leads a small CHILD to FAKE SANTA as BUDDY rushes over.)
BUDDY
Santa! Yeah! Yeah! It s me, Buddy! It s me!
FAKE SANTA
Yo, Buddy, how ya doin ?
(SANTA S HELPER places the CHILD on FAKE SANTA s lap.)
BUDDY
It s me! Who the heck are you?
FAKE SANTA
Whadda ya talkin about? I m Santa Claus.
BUDDY
No, you re not.
FAKE SANTA
Yes, I am.
BUDDY
No, you re not.
FAKE SANTA
(to the CHILD)
What can I get you for Christmas?
BUDDY
(whispers to CHILD)
Don t tell him what you want, he s a liar!
FAKE SANTA
Let the kid talk.
CHILD
I want Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars.
BUDDY
(to FAKE SANTA)
You don t smell like Santa. You smell like beef and cheese.
FAKE SANTA
Just cool it, Zippy.
BUDDY
You re a fake.
FAKE SANTA
I m a fake? How d you like to be dead?
BUDDY
(pulling off FAKE SANTA s hat with the white hair attached)
Look, he s not really Santa!
(BUDDY holds the hat high in the air and begins to run.)
Santa s a fake! Santa s a fake! Santa s a fake!
(FAKE SANTA chases BUDDY, trying to get his hat back. The CHILDREN scream as their PARENTS try to comfort them.)
MOTHER
Help! Somebody please help Santa Claus!
(Two POLICEMEN appear. They grab BUDDY s arms to stop him and return the hat to FAKE SANTA.)
BUDDY
Santa s a fake.
Buddy the Elf. You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?
POLICEMAN #1
Calm down. Tell us your name.
BUDDY
Buddy the Elf.
POLICEMAN #2
You got a last name, Buddy the Elf?
BUDDY
Hey I do! I m Buddy Hobbs. Do you know my dad, Walter Hobbs?
POLICEMAN #1
No, but we ll locate him while you re sitting in a cell cooling your heels.
BUDDY
Thanks. My heels are incredibly sweaty. How did you know?
SIDE 4
BUDDY
All fixed!
MICHAEL
Yay, Buddy!
(hugs BUDDY)
You re the man!
EMILY
Nice going, Buddy.
(EMILY hugs BUDDY too. The door opens, and WALTER enters. WALTER stops short upon seeing BUDDY, MICHAEL and EMILY all happily hugging each other.)
WALTER
What in the devil is going on here?!
BUDDY
Hi, Dad!
MICHAEL
Look, Buddy fixed my wind machine!
EMILY
He s stayin with us!
WALTER
Staying with us? What do you mean, Emily, he s staying with us?
(EMILY grabs WALTER s arm and moves him away from BUDDY and MICHAEL. EMILY picks up an envelope from the table.)
EMILY
Walter, I ve been, uh, very busy the last couple of days. You see, I took a strand of Buddy s hair, and a few strands of your hair from the sink, then I had my cousin at Beth Israel Hospital compare the two and...
WALTER
(worried)
And?
EMILY
(hands WALTER the envelope with a DNA report)
You have an elf for a son.
WALTER
Oh, no.
(During the above, we see BUDDY and MICHAEL move closer to eavesdrop. BUDDY races to hug WALTER. MICHAEL follows right behind BUDDY.)
BUDDY
Yay! I knew it! I knew it! Dad!!! Dad!!! Dad!!!
MICHAEL
I got a big brother! This is so cool! I can t believe it!
BUDDY
I planned out our whole first day, Dad. Just you and me. Tomorrow we will...
WALTER
Tomorrow I ve got to go to work...
EMILY
(interrupting)
Tomorrow, your father will take you to work with him.
WALTER
All right, but if you re coming with me you ll have to lose that costume. We ll stop at Brooks Brothers on the way and get you a suit.
BUDDY
Oh! Can it be red like Santa s?
WALTER
No.
SIDE 5
BUDDY
How did you like your dinner?
JOVIE
Greasy souvlaki on a stick is not dinner.
BUDDY
But it s the world s best souvlaki...
JOVIE
Look, how about we just call it a night?
BUDDY
No! We ve still got so much to do on our date. It s too early to take you home. Hey, did I tell you? You look miraculous.
JOVIE
Miraculous, huh? Okay, well you look miraculous too. That elf getup made you look incredibly dorky.
BUDDY
Thanks!
JOVIE
That wasn t a compli
BUDDY
I know! Let s do something Christmas-y! Oh! Let s go skating!
JOVIE
I m not a very good skater
BUDDY
That s okay, neither am I. Santa says I m a hazard. He calls me Edward Scissorfeet.
JOVIE
Stop. Let s make a pact. If you try to be less elf-y, I ll try to be less witchy.
BUDDY
Okay. I d like it if you d be less witchy.
JOVIE
I came to Rockefeller Center last year too, my first Christmas in New York.
BUDDY
Oh, where d you come from?
JOVIE
L.A. Christmases there are surreal. No snow.
BUDDY
No snow?!?
JOVIE
I ve never even seen snow. I ve always wanted to.
BUDDY
That s the saddest thing I ve ever heard.
JOVIE
Yeah, I ve been here for almost two years and it hasn t snowed once. You know, when I was a kid I dreamed of having a snowy Christmas Eve dinner at Tavern on the Green with Billy Crystal. That sounds so stupid.
BUDDY
No it doesn t! Who s Billy Crystal? He sounds magical.
JOVIE
He s an actor.
BUDDY
You know what? We are going to have Christmas Eve dinner at Tavern on the Green!
JOVIE
I don t think so. For one thing, it s been closed for months. It just re-opened, now it s even harder to get in.
BUDDY
My dad can get us a table! He can do anything!
JOVIE
Buddy, don t promise things you can t deliver.
BUDDY
Jovie, I will make your dream come true. I promise.
JOVIE
Wow, I might actually have a real Christmas.
BUDDY
You see? You do have Christmas spirit!
JOVIE
I guess I do. A little.
BUDDY
Now you have to spread it around and remember the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.